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When I rang to book into the first aid class they told me my dog had to be under control. Ummm I didn't
think I took the dog. Mmm.. With my Well yes he is obedient. I figured on a lead I could control him.I was told I had to be
on time and not miss a class.
The day came. I had been sick all week with
my voice all but gone and I sounded like a chipmunk. I didn’t want to miss the first one and tossed up which dog
to take. Sam was on Prednisone so a bit smelly.
There were mostly lap dogs with a couple
of dogs smaller than Erns and their owners all nicely dressed. I had jeans and sweater so felt my big black dog
and I were out of place. One man with a poodle really didn’t like Erns. The poodle kept yapping which made it worse.
The instructor a sergeant major type told us to get into pairs then commented there should
be more than one big dog. She no sooner finished than a dishevelled woman (Sue) ran in with an equally dishevelled dog a bit
smaller than Erns, but bigger than the other dogs.
Erns butt started talking when we were bandaging
our dogs. I was hoping no one would notice, but after Sue piped up she knew that dead bird smell anywhere. She laughed loudly
when I said finding mangled heads and beaks on the coffee table turned me off my lunch the day before so presumed
he had eaten them.
The instructor finished showing us CPR on a Poodle then said bring
the Lab as it is different with big dogs. Oh No.!!!! he is bad enough controlling now let alone on the little table with an
audience.
Instructor in her sergeant major voice "Come on.. we haven’t got all night." Please Erns behave. Oh Erns..please
behave.
The other dogs were on dog hooks around the room while their owners were crowded
around the table. While the instructor demonstrated what to do when we heard PPPPPfffffttttt.... Pffffttt... and Erns
looked at his butt. Oh no Ernie. Poodle man was closest and reeled
away in horror with his hand over his nose saying “eeeewwwww. You dirty black Labrador.” Sue was screeching with
laughter. More Pppfffts. I was moritifed with embarrasment as everyone moved away from the horrendous smell.
In a raised voice the instructor said. “What in gods name do you feed that dog.” I tried
to say “yesterday he ate a dead bird” but all that came out in a chipmunk voice was “dead birds”
The instructor yelled. “You feed your dog dead birds. Good god woman. Dead birds...Dead birds..
” Sue who was almost rolling on the floor with laughter managed to say he ate dead birds. I just wanted the ground to
swallow me.
By now everyone except Poodle man was snickering and Erns realising no one
was attached to his lead thought party party. He was off running around the room, stopping beside the poodle. I knew by the
way he was positioning himself on one good leg he was going to pee on it. No...Ernie... No point yelling as no one could hear. In a panic I pulled off my shoe and threw it at him to distract
him. To my horror it missed him hit the wall, bounced off and hit the poodle as Erns peed on it. Poodle man picked up his
dog shouting “you and your dirty black bstard.” I just wanted to die.
The instructor gave me lecture about dogs being under control and told me to take him away.
I said I had a yellow boy in the car.
No.. Go...go home tonight
and bring the yellow one next week.
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